Five or Six Things I Bet You Didn’t Know About Me

Not that any of this matters, but I was thinking that these small details would eventually be revealed over the course of however long it takes to write this blog, but then I thought what if I just forget. I should get these things out now. Here are five or six things that you probably didn’t know about me that probably don’t matter that much, but here they are.

1. I know how to solve a Rubik’s Cube. I memorized the book in the 7th grade. I was trying to impress Barry Schmitt who sat behind me in Ms. MacKay’s science class. I don’t think he noticed.

I can still solve it, but not like my glory days. My personal record is something like two minutes and fifty-two seconds, which was on the swimteam bus, many years after trying to get Barry’s attention. My weakness was, at that time and still now, that I solve it by rote memorization. I can visualize some of the logic, but not like Dave Graves. Dave was on my college swim team, a math major and my Rubik’s Cube mentor. On these long bus trips to swim meets in exotic places like Visalia, Delano, and Pumpkin Center, we’d sit in the back of the bus with Rubik’s Cubes while everyone else would be having a food fight. He always carred a spare. I would call Dave an “advanced” solver of the Rubik’s Cube. He could visualize shortcuts to solutions, “think outside of the cube”, so to speak, and tried to pass this on to me, urging me to “Think,  Katie, think!” And I think I came up with a shortcut, since forgotten, but nothing close to Dave’s level.

This is actually one of ny most pleasant memories.

1b. This doesn’t count as a separate item. I bought a road bike five years ago to impress Barry Schmitt. I don’t think he noticed that either.

2. I believed all those filmstrips in junior high and high school. You know, the ones with stilll photographs of teens having drunk too much alcohol, and now they’re passed out on the floor, pregnant, with nowhere to go? I am the only person I know who would not touch drugs and alcohol for fear that I might jump out of a building or lose an arm or whatever those film strips said would happen. I could barely talk to anyone who would parttake in these things. Or I would just nod and smile and pretend that it seemed like a good idea, but in the back of my mind, I would think, “Red alert, red alert! Run away!”

2b. As a result of this, I did not have too many friends in junior high and high school.

3. The first time I ever got stoned was at a swim team party in Bakersfield. Jim H said, “Hey, Monkey (that was my nickname then), want to try something different?” It seemed like a good idea at the time, but then I noticed that my eyes of my friends’ Brigitte P and Dena H got really big, the symbol of innocense and now I’m this terrible person altering my mind with this drug. I could barely move my mouth to speak. When Brigitte finally noticed trouble, perhaps some five hours later, she guided me into the kitchen where I was accosted by David K and Gordon McN, who, having believed my roommate Shannon B’s lies about me, proceded to harrass defenseless me for being the worst friend a person could have all because Shannon, and I hope she reads this because I am still angry after all of these years, chose not only to read my diary but lie about the contents to all of her friends, claiming that I had called her a “fat pig,” when no, all I had said was that she’s gagging herself with a “twig”, I mean, more or less, referring to her Rancho Palos Verdes-induced bulimia that we all knew about anyway because she only announced every time after eating ten hot dogs or whatever right in front of us when we were trying to watch the E Channel (we just got cable and it was so cool), i.e., “Excuse me for a moment while I go to the bathroom and throw up.” So I was just concerned about her well-being, alright? I didn’t deserve it, byotch.

3b. I have been stoned approximately seven times since, all to prove to myself that it doesn’t have to be a bad experience. But each time, it has proven to be a bad experience, with the exception of the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam which was, in fact, the best experience.

4. I have been afraid of the dark forever.

5. I used to think somehow, even into my twenties, that some handsome man was going to sweep me off my feet, marry me and we’d have lots of babies. Bwa ha ha ha ha.  I never thought this.

6. I got a perfect score in an advanced algebra summer school class at Chabot College. I would spend three hours a day on the homework, trying to write out the numbers with perfect, beautiful penmanship, because it was fun. I got 100% on every single exam which made me the mortal enemy of every student in class. That was cool.

6b. I failed freshman math. I guess I was just average at math through the 8th grade, until we got to solving equations, which was actually interesting. Then I kicked butt, but nobody noticed. But I guess when you’re barely passing the balancing checkbook chapter(s), they figure you’ll never make it in this world, so they put me in Foundations Math my freshman year. It was an entire school year of balancing a checkbook, my little taste of hell. And I, of course, failed this class so I had to take it again my sophomore year. I suppose you could say I had it coming. I got an A the next time, just for the record. Did these people not know that computer programs would solve all of this for us? Who really balances their checkbooks, anyway.

Well, those are five or six things I bet you didn’t know about me.


About katiekelly

I grew up in a parking lot.
This entry was posted in Things I Bet You Didn't Know. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Five or Six Things I Bet You Didn’t Know About Me

  1. Al Cram says:

    Well, you’re right. I didn’t know that about you. It does explain some things, but not really how you go so fast with that Zen approach to driving fast little cars.

    It is snowing here, so even in Iowa sometimes patients decide not to brave the ice and I don’t blame them. For those that do I’m here waiting patiently, and bouncing around the internet for entertainment and enlightenment. I am currently thinking once again about starting a “Hogs on ice” parimutual betting emporium. I could do webcast feeds to california and make millions since the typical LA bettor wouldn’t have a clue about picking fast hogs. It’s really a matter of their motivation, which can be seen in their beady little eyes if you have some experience.


  2. katiekelly says:

    You’re thinking AGAIN about a Hogs on Ice betting emporium? You mean, you’ve thought about this before?!


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