Perpetually Hard Nipples

Rendezvous by Mindy Pines,

Rendezvous by Mindy Pines,

This was a search term that somehow directed someone to my blog. 


Because WordPress tells me nearly anything and everything about my readers, except for who they actually are, another data point I have is that not one single person has clicked on over on the margin over there to the right, and I think that is a crying shame. Please click that link now, and be prepared to feel very happy.


One week ago, I got my braces off. I have enjoyed my week of freedom, which came to a crashing halt today when I went to my follow up appointment for the Retainer Insertion. Now I am not so thrilled anymore. There is nothing wrong with braces, on paper, but what they never tell you about is the aftermath, like your days ’til the end of your life, where, to perpetuate (I like this word now) your perfect smile, you must willingly attach a large wire and plastic appliance to your the upper and lower palettes of your mouth, leaving you in a state of permament gag.

At least that has been my observation.

I apologize for no naked teeth photos, but this new one above, taken by my friend Michael Sexton, from the Carrera de San Rafael about a week back, could be one of the last photos in existence of my braced teeth. Here’s a link to even more. I like how it goes from me, to Shelley Olds, to me, to Shelley Olds, as if we were in the same group in the peloton. This is amazing trick photography, and he didn’t even need to use photo shop. Next and Back buttons can do so much.

The only reason why I’m smiling is because my friends, who accepted the bribe, stood on all four corners and straight-a-ways of the race to cheer for me. In this corner, they were instructed to say, “Make them bleed, Katie!” There were other scripted moments as well, like the banana peels, the WD-40, but the crucial maneuver was that none of my competitors were aware that these were scripted. That’s how I finished 26th out of 28.

One innocent bystander was not aware of the instructions, and yelled in free form, “Hang in there, number twelve!” I threw my glasses at him to make him shut up, because this was not yielding the desired effect. Unfortunately, I have now lost a perfectly good pair of sunglasses.


About katiekelly

I grew up in a parking lot.
This entry was posted in Random Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Perpetually Hard Nipples

  1. pedro says:

    thank god i don’t have to look at that miata anymore!

    and your cornering form is way better than shelly’s, from the photo at least – or maybe – you are going slower? who knows?

    the only thing worse… would be a perpetually hard p-nus.


  2. katiekelly says:

    “That” Miata. Sniff.

  3. Katie says:

    I watched those races from your favorite boutique while my son pillaged the toy box.

    Can we see before and after pictures of the WD-40 corner?

  4. Kevin says:

    Good god woman!! riding a bike for that long is painful! So why are you smiling!!!
    Is it a rigor mortus reaction to the lack of oxygen? Or the last dying thoughts of a hypoxic brain as you realized you were going to fling into the crowd at hyperspeed!

  5. katiekelly says:

    That’s not a smile, Kevin. That is my Grimace of Pain and Destruction! You should know this. I taught you how to drive, REMEMBER?!

  6. Kevin says:


    That’s right! I do remember your advice to “keep my thumbs outside the ring of the steering wheel all all times. As they will get ripped off in an accident!”

    You can imagine how much I wish I would have taken your thumb advice above several years later when during a long drive, I was involved in a tragic car accident and had both thumbs ripped off my hands.

    OHH!!! They day does not go buy that I don’t RUE not listening to your advice.

    If ONLY I had just, that day, kept my thumbs on the outside of the wheel.

    But alas – it was not to be… You were prophetic Katie!!! Both of my thumbs were torn prematurely from their sockets as the wheel cruely twisted in my hands – and slow motion visions of your admonishment flashed in my mind.

    It is only today, after years of counseling that I have found the courage to out myself as a victim of Katie’s Driving Digit Decapitation syndome.

    I never knew, but there are thousands upon thousands of us wandering the world. Thumbless.


    Katie – you were prophetic in your warnings… If only I had, and thousands of others of us, had listened to you… We’d be happily picking up eggs, holding newspapers, and drinking cups of coffee.


  7. katiekelly says:

    Well, I bet you don’t drive with your thumbs inside the steering wheel anymore, though. You just had to learn the hard way, didn’t you.

  8. Kevin says:

    Did I make ya laugh?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s