The True Republican News Source

Republicans criticize Democrats for getting their information from the “biased liberal media.”

All the bad news you read about in the paper, that’s not really happening, they say. It’s all anti-capitalist propaganda, intended to scare people into destroying our country.

It’s an interesting claim, that the media are anti-capitalist, considering their air time is paid for by advertisers, but anyway, have you ever asked a Republican what his or her information source is? If not from televised media, newspapers, radio, journals and magazines, what is this magical fountain of information? How is it possible that we’ve all been missing the true facts that contradict all the headlines?

I will reveal it to you now their source.

Republicans get their information from chain e-mails. I know this, because I am friends with a Republican, who is a kind, decent, hard working human being, and I am also on his e-mail list, and so my finger is on the Republican pulse. Their news is disseminated like lightening rods through underground channels, sparked by the click of the Send button. The authors are either anonymous or someone’s aunt or uncle. It has been proven that news from relatives is always more authentic. The sources tend to have voted for Nixon, the last of a dying breed.

Here’s the last missive that arrived in my Inbox, just for an example. This one is called, Why I’m Voting Democratic, which is supposed to be sarcastic, in case this is not obvious, and I am including the contents of the entire e-mail, including the introduction.  

My friends uncle sent this to him.  Sounds interesting.

Why I’m Voting Democratic

I’m voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I’m voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I’m voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.

I’m voting Democrat because I’m not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the  government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don’t have to hide from us over there, when they come over here I don’t want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with. 

I’m voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my horse.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.
Makes ya wonder why anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn’t it?

Is this really what Republicans think?

Yes. Yes, that is how they think. I don’t even know where to begin. There is no doubt in my mind that this e-mail has been read by millions and millions of people, and a large percentage of them actually believe it. Of course, yes, Democrats want us to be attacked by terrorists! We want to marry our pets. And it must all be true! Because Cousin Zeke sent it!

There was another e-mail last week, maybe you’ve seen it, in which the author proposed that instead of the government supporting this AIG bailout, why not just divide the $800 trillion dollars or whatever it is by the entire legal population of the U.S., and dispense accordingly,  calculating  $425,000 for each citizen. Of course, a third of this would be taxed, but we’d still end up with close to $300,000 in our pockets, and wouldn’t that revitalize our nation’s economy?

Except. Oh. Someone missed a decimal point. When divided properly, it comes to $425.00.

This would pay off my credit card bill, but not provide the benefit as originally claimed. I never received any e-mail apologizing for the errata, so I’m assuming that readers are still taking this at face value. I hope they don’t get their hopes up. They might stop believing in Santa Claus.

Oh drats, I’m sorry. I believe in the spirit of Santa Claus. I’m not a commie, people.

Often, the e-mails are forwarded from very credible sources, and go something like, “Just got this from my Aunt Judy down in Florida. She’s a true patriot, works as a checker at Walmart, and if that’s not enough to convince you, her next door neighbor’s illegitimate son Larry is back from Iraq, God bless him.”

If the above is grammatically error free, this is completely by chance. It’s a good day if they come with complete sentences. But then this type of e-mail will go into some discourse about how we’ve got to do something about illegal immigration and terrorists and how the Democrats are out to ruin our country, that they don’t believe in God, and soon our proud nation will be overrun by Mexicans.

Except, aren’t Mexicans Catholic?

I’m waiting for the next chain mail with the full explanation.


About katiekelly

I grew up in a parking lot.
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4 Responses to The True Republican News Source

  1. girochatterbox says:

    Oh my! I haven’t received that one. I was actually thinking of leaving my hubby and marrying a horse, too! I’m glad my party supports that. OK, just kidding.

    I have a friend who regularly fills my Inbox with this type of drivel along with bad jokes and things that I must send back and to 10 more friends or I won’t receive the love and/or blessing intended in the original message. I pretty much delete anything from that person that does not look like a personal update these days.

  2. Kelly says:

    Hi, courtenay brown told me to read your blog b/c i’d think it was funny. and, well, it is and everything, but i also wanted to say that you forgot that many people get their news from the information superhighway, which means it has to be true. and besides my aunt’s cousin’s neighbor says i’m going to get killed by the guy who hides under cars in shopping malls and preys on women coming out of stores alone. the liberal media of course would tell you about this if they werent so busy unfairly attaching sarah palin, who is totally a patriot because she shoots deer and stuff

  3. katiekelly says:

    I am exceedingly flattered! Huge compliment.

    Back to the topic, I have just received word from my Republican informant that the deer actually are the terrorists, and we must shoot them all.

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