Dear Fran Slanders

I get a lot of e-mails from readers asking for relationship and cooking advice. So I think it’s time I published my advice column, here, on my blog. I realize that these letters are personal in nature, so I’ve changed all the details, so no one should figure out that I am exposing their inner-most secrets on the Internet. If I have, send me a public comment, and I’ll make sure to do something about it eventually.

Let’s get to these letters.

Dear Fran Slanders,

I do not want to break her heart, so I thought it’d be more humane to slowly fade out of her life, without directly addressing my issues, and that way there would be no hard feelings. So now she’s acting all moody psycho on me. Should I push her in front of a bus?


Dear Retardo,

You have only prolonged the pain, as she no doubt could see what was going on, and is also, no doubt, a human being, with fully functioning emotions. If you had a spine, you would have pushed her in front of the bus a long ol’ time ago.

Fran Slanders

Dear Fran Slanders,

I am in love with this girl, but she yells at me often, she says that I am ruining her life. Then she breaks up with me, and then calls the next day, as if there were no problem. This is the girl I fell in love with, not the screaming one, the one chasing me with the spatula. I’ve been reading up on violent mental illness, to prepare myself for future outbursts, but I was wondering if you had any tips of your own?


Dear Doormat,

You need to let your girlfriend hit you just a little harder in the head with the spatula, because maybe that will knock some sense into you, which bring me to the Fran Slanders Rant of the Day.

Fran Slanders Rant of the Day

Hello readers. Today, I would like to discuss a theme very dear to my heart, and that is putting up with bull dooky from people feigning mental illness. If you haven’t noticed, mental illness is all the rage these days. Seems that everyone’s got something, from ADD to OCD to the ever popular Paranoid Schizofrenia. Well, that one’s my favorite. But today, I would like to discuss BiPolar disorder.

I’m not talking about honest suffers of BiPolar disorder. I’m talking about people who hide behind this illness to treat the people in their lives like absolute garbage. They can be warm and bubbly one day, and then moody and mean the next. In the olden days, these people would be labeled as immature, spoiled rotten brats.

But that is not politically correct today. It’s far better to give it a clinical name. This helps us put the behavior in a tidy little box. We lie to ourselves that their behavior won’t hurt so much, as long as we understand that the person is wounded, that he or she really can’t help it, and that deep inside, he’s a lovely person. All it takes is just more understanding and compassion.

That’s nice, but getting hit in the head with a spatula hurts. Is it worth it?

Fran Slanders contends that what these people need are swift kicks in the arses.


About katiekelly

I grew up in a parking lot.
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