How to Look Glam at the Oscars, an Every-Woman’s Guide, Part I

In our last installment, we left off with that age-old question, just how do you broach the subject of a dress for the Oscars when you walk into the Gap?

This was a trick question. You would never do that, because even on the tightest of budgets, you should not look for a dress for the Oscars at the Gap. Just take that as Katie’s Fashion Tip Number One.

Another question you might have is how do you shop when you do not enjoy driving and you hate malls anyway?

The answer to that is you walk out of your apartment, jaywalk to the same location where the aforementioned wallet was found, and proceed across the street to the Duarteau Boutique.

It is here that how you phrase your desires is most crucial.

Clueless Shopper: Hello. I am looking for a dress for the Oscars. (There is no need to beat around the bush. Get straight to it. Let them know you mean business.)

Sales Man: Wonderful. Oscar who? Oscar Meyer?

Nervous bantar such as this standard fare when gown shopping for the Oscars, as most whom you encounter are now so intimidated by you, to release tension they turn to humor.

As you try on gowns in the back changing room, the conversation might go like this.

Sales Man: Which event are you going to?

CS: Excuse me?

SM: Which Oscar event? The one in Mill Valley? San Rafael?

CS: Oh. No, the one in Hollywood.

It is at this point that you will be showered by attention, as now the entire staff, who had barely said hello when you made your first announcement, assuming you were just a Regular Clueless Shopper, like all the others going to Oscar parties around Marin, helps you find a gown that fits you flawlessly. 

I’ll post pictures later, but this technique was so useful for getting undivided attention, I don’t see why you can’t play the Oscars card in every shop you might visit, all year long.

Then it’s a question of figuring out hair and make up. That’s when you stroll a little farther down the street, the Neverland Beauty Supply.

Sales Girl: Oh my God, that’s so cool that you’re going to the Oscars!

Other Sales Girl: Who is Oscar?

Sales Girl: Okay, so quick tip: just get your make up done there. Because if you do it, you’ll screw it up. I can tell.

Clueless Shopper: But what if I can’t? Can’t you just show me what to do?

SG: Like, I know, but you don’t want to end up on the Worst Dressed list.

CS: Don’t you have to be known already to get on that list?

SG: I know, but like there’s always a first?

CS: Couldn’t you just show me what to do? It couldn’t be that hard.

SG: Well, okay, well. (She may study your face intently, and you find yourself not knowing where to look. Do you look back at her? At the ceiling? These situations are not for the meek!) Well, we can give you smokey eyes, and then all you need is a little bronzer.

CS: What’s a bronzer?

SG: Oh my God.

Coming up next: What to talk about sitting on Marsha Harley Higgenbottom’s couch in her high rise apartment witih a view of Malibu, and then, possibly, a true Russian Make Up Experience, and then, most likely, as your friently author will not be on this blog until tomorrow, just what it’s like walking down the red carpet.

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About katiekelly

I grew up in a parking lot.
This entry was posted in Life in Marin, My Life, Random Ramblings, This is nutso. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to How to Look Glam at the Oscars, an Every-Woman’s Guide, Part I

  1. CARLA COSENTINO says:

    OMG…KATIE KELLY, I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OF THIS…I LOVED THE PART ABOUT ‘WHERE DO YOU LOOK’ WHEN SOMEONE IS THAT CLOSE ‘IN YOUR FACE’…TOOK ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING!!!!

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